Boundaries

Taking care of ourselves may look different when we’re doing well or not so well, but knowing what our boundaries look like can help us feel a bit more prepared.

Boundaries are about things like: 

• How we communicate or are communicated with 

• The amount of time we have for someone, and how that might change 

• How much care you can provide as a friend, partner, or loved one 

• Things you do and don’t want to talk about or share with someone 

We all have boundaries, but consciously setting and maintaining them can be hard if you’ve never done it before. It can be helpful to remember that at its core, setting boundaries is about looking after ourselves, and ensuring we have the energy to care for others and ourselves as much as we want or need to. 

Figuring out our boundaries 

Sometimes we know without thinking where our boundaries are, especially if someone does or says something that pushes against them or crosses them, but other times we may need to take some time to determine what is going to feel best for us. 

There’s no one set of boundaries that will fit for everyone, or be right or wrong. Instead, boundaries are personal so we have to figure what they are for ourselves. The following questions can help us figure this out: 

What does it feel like? 

Most often, we can get a good sense of what a boundary might be by how it feels for us, or where it sits in our body. Does the idea of having a boundary around something feel difficult or create anxiety, or does it feel good and reassuring? Does the idea of someone crossing that boundary feel okay, or not good at all? 

Situating things in our feelings is a really solid way of listening to ourselves, and a skill that many of us practice in other areas of our life, like how we might affirm our gender. If there is a gut feeling that you can’t shake, or even a sense of what feels right, tune into that and see what it says, writing about it can also help with where you land. 

How does this fit with your core values? 

If you’re struggling to feel like your feelings are justified or something you can fall back on, our core values can help us figure out what’s important to us and what our boundaries are. Try to come up with a list of core values that are important to you, and then think about if someone’s action or interaction with you pushes or challenges one of them. 

Core values might include your sense of compassion, or empathy, your politics, attitudes for how you would like to treat other people and be treated yourself, or might be as simple as valuing your own time to recharge. These values can then translate into our boundaries, such as not being in touch with other people when you’re spending quality time with someone, or switching your phone off when you go for a run. 

Communicating boundaries 

Once we know what our boundaries are, or might be, we can share them with others so they know to respect them. 

Being assertive 

When we’re assertive about our needs, we’re communicating without putting the blame or responsibility for our needs onto someone else. One way to do this is by using “I feel” statements, which make it clear that what you’re saying is based on your perception, but also that it’s important to you. 

Quote talking head: “I care about you so much but feel helpless when you text me that you’re struggling at midnight. I am in bed and trying to get to sleep then. I will always try to be available during the day and evenings but please consider reaching out to a helpline you can contact at night such as QLife, get in touch with me in the morning and let’s check in.” 

Practicing saying no 

Saying no can be really difficult or daunting, but it’s such an important word. We often feel the need to qualify the word no, such as “No, but..” or “No, because..”, but you are allowed to say no without explaining why. 

Knowing your rights 

Sometimes people ask things of us that are unlawful, or that we have a right to say no to. This might be in a workplace or school, or anywhere else that discrimination protections apply. Knowing what our rights are in different areas can be helpful for setting our boundaries clearly, and knowing we are able to. 

You can learn more about your rights at our Rights & Justice page. 

Being protective of our space, time, and emotional wellbeing 

Looking after ourselves and others is time and energy consuming, and we only have so many hours in the day. Safeguarding this energy is important to make sure we don’t run out of it, or lose time to do the care that matters most to us, or to complete tasks or work that we have to do. 

This can be communicated verbally, or through non-verbal signals like having your phone on silent at certain times, or setting your status on an online app set to Away. 

Quote talking head: “It sounds like you’re having a rough day. I can’t talk right now, but can I give you a call later when I’m making dinner?” 

Seek support when you need it 

It’s not always easy to communicate and assert what we need, or what our boundaries are, but you don’t have to do it alone. You can get in touch with a counselling phone line, mental health support service, or any other form of care to help support you to set and keep your boundaries, or just to chat about finding it difficult or rewarding (or both, as is often the case). 

This toolkit also has a section about communication strategies which can be really helpful for communicating your boundaries with others. 

Hearing someone else’s boundaries

At the end of the day, being able to say no, or state a firm boundary is not only beneficial for you, but for the person you’re communicating it with, as it allows them to seek more suitable support for what they need. 

Respecting someone else’s boundaries 

No boundary exists in a vacuum – our boundaries exist in partnership with other people, who have their own needs and boundaries too. Learning and knowing how to affirm and support someone else’s boundaries can also help us value and assert our own. 

Making space for your own feelings

Sometimes having a boundary communicated with us feels good or affirming, but other times it can feel awful. That’s okay, but it’s important to be able to hold that, or seek support rather than directing those hurt feeling back at the boundary-setter.  

Be thankful when someone sets their boundaries 

This can be a very small thing, but it makes a big difference. If someone shares their boundaries with you, a simple “I really value you telling me that” or “Thank you for sharing that with me” can mean a lot, even if a boundary is hard to hear.