Coming Out

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How should I come out?

Illustration by Samuel Luke Art

Illustration by Samuel Luke Art

‘Coming out’ can be a huge experience for lots of people from LGBTQ+ communities. It’s the moment where we get to be finally out and proud, and ourselves. Originating from the phrase ‘coming out of the closet,’ in reality though, coming out isn’t often something we do just once, but something that can happen over and over across a lifetime.

You might come out to family and friends, partners and exes, doctors and other health professionals, colleagues, or strangers out in the world. For some people, it’ll be an event that you might plan for and practice, and for others it’s the split second decisions made each day, like correcting someone who gets your pronouns wrong, or while interacting with services if your ID doesn’t affirm who you are.

More recently, there has been a push to embrace the concept of inviting in, as opposed to coming out. Inviting in changes this process to one of choice, and of asking people to be involved in your life and story, rather than placing the burden on the individual to do all the work and be required to be out.

As QLife explains:

What this looks like for you may differ day to day, year to year, or moment to moment. As long as you’re safe, there is no right way to be out, or in…rather than coming out of a secret world, inviting in can be viewed as a loving and trusting process of inviting important people into one’s inner world.

QLife - Coming Out, Inviting In and Disclosure

Scarleteen also says that preparing for what you want and fear in this situation can help plan for the potential outcomes, and how to look after yourself in the process. Before coming out to someone, have a think about the following questions:

What do you want to happen in this conversation?

What are you afraid will happen?

Are those desires or fears realistic, or are they outlandish?

What do you need to happen? To be heard, understood, or accepted?

Scarleteen

For a much more in depth article about the how, where, when, and what of coming out, check out the article here.

How should I come out?

How you come out to someone (or invite them in) will depend on who they are (a friend, a parent, a lover, a boss), what relationship you have to them, and what you want them to know, and not know.

Some people choose to use text as a way to come out, whether by email or as a social media post. We’ve put together some examples:

Hi,

You’re someone important to me, and because of that I want to let you know that I am a member of the trans and gender diverse community. My gender is female / male / non-binary. I hope you see this as an act of trust, and respect me and my gender by keeping this between us until I am ready to share it more widely.

My name is now _______ and my pronouns are _________.

Thank you for using these.

I am a woman / a man / non-binary, and I’m also the same friend / (other relationship term) I’ve always been, and I would love for that to continue.

If you want to learn more about what this is like for me, you can check out transhub.org.au/allies for information and resources.

[Your name]

or

Hey everyone,

This post is about something really important to me - I wanted to share that am a member of the trans and gender diverse community.

My name is now _______ and my pronouns are _________.

I am a woman / a man / non-binary, and I’m also the same person I’ve always been.

If you want to learn more about how best to support me, you can check out transhub.org.au/allies for information and resources.

[Your name]

No matter how you choose to share who you are, it’s okay to feel worried, scared, or upset about it. Coming out can be all of those things and can also be really delightful to know other people see and celebrate all the parts that make you, you. It should always be up to you to decide when and how this happens though and connecting with a peer or mental health professional can be really helpful.