Teenagers

Being a teenager can be a difficult period at the best of times. Teens face not only growing responsibility and expectations, but are expected to be making decisions that can affect the rest of our lives, all the while with bodies changing in ways they may not expect.

For trans teenagers, this can be multiplied by the effects of puberty and developing physical characteristics that may amplify distress. Up until puberty, kids can explore gender presentation without their bodies giving a strong indication of presumed gender, but this changes with the onset of puberty and the release of hormones.

Navigating new social and professional circles while also figuring out not just who they are, but what their gender can and will be expressed as can be exhausting. Your love and support will go a long way.

Teens also have the burden of being on the forefront of culture, from being pop culture taste-makers, to revolutionising the way we experience gender. A recent Australian study of 6237 secondary students found that 2.3% “self-identified as transgender, gender diverse, and other similar identities1”. A U.S. study found that 3%2 of a surveyed group identified as trans or gender nonconforming, a far higher number than previously thought, and even cis teenagers today have a very different relationship and understanding of gender than previous generations.

As teenagers begin puberty, they may have already expressed themselves to you, or the effects of puberty may force them to seek out your help to access medical affirmation.

This might feel rushed, or sudden, but it’s likely your teenager has thought about this for a long time before coming to you. For some young people it may be that they need your support to continue their journey - they may have reached the end of their own resources. This may mean that when they come to you they may be fearful, struggling or feeling overwhelmed.

Visible signs of puberty such as developing breast tissue or facial hair, or menstruating might bring on confusion and distress and can be a strong motivation for coming out.

Supporting any teenager can require a lot of learning and new information, and perhaps even being challenged in ways you didn’t expect, but the impact of doing this work is valuable and validating.

This page was developed in collaboration with Parents of Gender Diverse Children.

Being an ally can’t be summed up with a list, but the below points are a great start.

Being their first and biggest ally

The most important and amazing thing about being invited in to the inner life of your teenager is that you have a chance to make a big difference to their wellbeing, and make sure they know how amazing and loved they are.

This might look like being there for them at home, helping fight their battles at school or with other parents and peers, educating the people around you so the teenager in your life doesn’t have to, practising your own use of language and questioning your assumptions, or simply celebrating who they are with a big cake.

This can be a challenging and scary time for parents. It can sometimes feel like wading deep into unknown territory without a roadmap or complete set of information; when you are faced with big changes in the life of a loved one. How can you answer these questions when you may not have the answers yourself? Reach out to parent support groups so that you have a safe place to learn and be supported so that you can set the mould for how we can give all young people the support that they deserve. Don’t underestimate how much being a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on and a champion in their corner can be, especially if you’re the first to be invited to do so.

Listening and learning

One of the greatest skills of any ally is the ability to listen.

Just like anyone else, no two trans or gender diverse people will be the same, with varying wants, needs and hopes. Learning about the experiences of other trans people, and other trans teenagers is a great first step, but the next step is to not assume that the teenager in your life will want all of the same things.

The concept of being an ‘ally’ says that we are not all the same, but that these differences are things we can be proud of, seek to understand, and champion without compromise. However, we can’t truly know what those differences are, and what exactly the experience of your teenager is without asking them, creating space for them to feel like they can answer honestly, and listening to them without judgement.

Name & pronouns

By actively using the name and pronouns of your young person you can send a powerful indication of your support and respect. It isn’t always easy to make the change - but it is an important step, and one that can be life changing. This frequent, everyday affirmation signals your support to your young person. You may be the first person to have used this affirming language with them and it is one of the most important supportive messages you can give.

It can be difficult to use the correct name and pronouns at first, and you will almost certainly slip up. It’s important when this happens, to quickly and sincerely apologise, but not dwell on the mistake you made. Instead pick up where you left off, use the correct language, and work to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

It can sometimes be difficult to shift to using neutral pronouns like they/them for someone, even though we’ve been using them in the English language for centuries. You can read more about pronouns on our page here.

Names and pronouns are important but it’s most important to take on the process of shifting how you see and think of your trans child, not just trying to remember the correct name and pronouns. As you grow used to using a new name and pronouns, become more aware and informed, speak more with your young person and your own support networks, your shift in understanding will make this process feel more familiar.

Supporting trans people in research

One simple thing any ally can do is to write to researchers or event coordinators who aren’t collecting gender information in a way that supports trans people and reflects best practice, eg. If question asks if your gender is “Male, Female or Transgender”. We’ve prepared a letter available below that you can edit for your specific situation and send in.

It’s great to learn ways to generally support trans people, but what about some practical things you can suggest or do for the trans or gender diverse teens in your life?

Start by celebrating

Before anything else, whether they’re discussions about practicalities or talking about feelings, make sure the trans teen in your life knows you’re on their team. Affirming their identity with a special dinner, or a party that they help you host, or just baking a cake so you begin from a place of celebration.

Haircuts

For something that everyone has in some capacity, people read a lot into the hair we have and what it might say about us. As a result, small changes like cutting hair into a different style, or letting it grow out can be very affirming things.

Changing one’s hair is a form of social gender affirmation, ie. It doesn’t require any medical or legal intervention to do so, and is also able to be grown out or cut again at any point.

It can also be helpful to affirm to the young people in your life, of all genders, that hair doesn’t have a gender. Long hair doesn’t make someone a girl, and short hair doesn’t make someone a boy. Note, this is not a reason to not allow someone to make affirming decisions about their hair, rather a helpful framing for others.

Sometimes hair can be a problem at school, especially if your teenager’s school has a particularly strict or gendered hair policy. If so, going in and addressing this with school staff can be a really helpful thing. This includes doing so without outing them, ie. pointing out how gendered hair standards are different and unhelpful to everyone.

Read more about haircuts and social affirmation here.

Clothes

Like hair, clothes are something that most people carry with us everywhere, and are often read by others in gendered ways. Because of this, clothing is a place that people can engage in forms of gender affirmation and exploration.

This may look like accompanying them on shopping trips to find items of clothing that feel affirming, asking, and buying them underwear that might be a bit more comfortable (eg. At least more androgynous or neutral), or encouraging them to dress how they want around the house and normalising that, even if they’re not dressing that way in public.

Pointing out that people of all genders wear all sorts of clothing, and that there isn’t a binary of pants vs skirts, or sensible shoes vs high heels, might be helpful too. Fabric doesn’t have genders, people do.

Read more about clothes and gender affirmation here.

Practising culture

Your trans teenager may want to proudly express their culture, and might need your help navigating this with Elders or other cultural leaders, especially as it relates to women’s business and men’s business, and any other cultural or religious practices that are gendered.

Talking to Sistergirls, Brotherboys, or other trans people from your culture is a great way to learn the steps they’ve taken to practice culture in an affirming way. Find out more on our Trans Mob page about the experiences of First Nations trans people.

There are also great Facebook groups to connect with other people from your culture and learn from them/share with them.

A big part of what gender affirmation might look like for some trans people is the use of hormones and puberty blockers to help change their bodies in ways that work best for them.

As teenagers enter a natal puberty, the body starts producing hormones all by itself, according to the blueprint set out by the endocrine system, chromosomes, DNA, and a few other ingredients. The complexity of these systems is usually oversimplified down to ‘masculinising’ and ‘feminising’ hormones, and a ‘male’ and ‘female’ puberty.

For a young trans person, a natal puberty might be totally okay and acceptable, or it could be an awful experience that they want to avoid at all costs, and causes them a great deal of discomfort or distress. How they feel might change halfway through too, or multiple times in different ways. Listening to your trans teenager’s experiences, wants, and fears can be scary, but also allows you to work with them and support them to make decisions that feel good for them.

Some families appreciate the power or authority of a formal gender-related diagnosis, but it’s important to ensure a young person isn’t being unnecessarily pathologised. You can read more on our pages about Gender Diagnoses and Dysphoria.

In Australia, a person under 18 years of age is required to have the consent of both carers or guardians to start puberty blockers or hormones, as per the judgement of Re Imogen 2020.

Read more about what hormonal gender affirmation may look like here, and read more about the specific requirements for accessing hormones while under 18 at our Under 18s page here.

There are many ways to be a great ally, and some things to try and avoid when affirming the trans people in your life.

Taking out your immediate feelings on your family member

It’s okay to be confused, or hurt, or frustrated. Strong and immediate emotions are normal reactions to change, but it’s important to take these immediate and strong emotions to a mental health professional, doctor, or trusted friend.

That initial gut reaction may not be how you feel at all, and may shift after you do some research, or take time for further thinking or processing. There are great services to connect to that can provide peer support.

Some family members struggle with a sense of grief or loss, which you can read more about here.

Centering your struggle

Sometimes it can feel difficult or overwhelming to be a good ally to someone through their gender affirmation, not because of their gender, but because supporting anyone through any sort of life change can be difficult.

It would be no different for any other big change they (or you) might undergo. However, it’s important to not direct these feelings at the trans person in your life, or to take it out on them.

When there are young people in our lives who want to do something that feels scary, big, or could lead to them being hurt by others, it makes sense that wanting to protect them can be central to your experience. You might also feel like it’s a mistake, or too soon.

However, even while they are very perceptive, teenagers may struggle to read the difference between your apprehension and your disapproval, and feel like their experience is wrong or shameful as a result. Finding support from other parents who have had similar experiences, mental health professionals or friends can allow you to have a space to work through your own feelings and questions, and empower you to be able to support your young person.

What if this is just a phase?

A question asked by the families of a lot of trans and gender diverse teenagers is if the way they experience their gender is actually a phase, and what might happen to the teenager if it is.

On the surface this is an understandable question, as it can seem like a big change and a big shift, but there’s a really easy answer: does it really matter if it is?

Sometimes people will say “what happens if they change their mind? This all feels very sudden!”

Many young people work through their feelings and gender experience in their mind long before they disclose to others. What may feel sudden to a parent, if often a well considered discussion they are choosing to have once they feel most confident and equipped to speak out.

What if it is a “phase”? Firstly this is extremely uncommon, but if it does happen then your child discovers that no matter what you’ve got their back, you were willing to support them through a period in their life where they found themselves uncertain and they know that you were there for them. As parents we are there to provide guidance, support and love our kids.

Creating the kind of family environment that rewards and supports a child’s sense of curiosity, discovery, and identity can only go on to help them become a more self-assured and loved person as they grow up, no matter what their gender is or may be!

We ask teenagers to make big decisions about their lives and futures all the time, from what subjects they choose to what tertiary education or job they want to get into, and even eventually to vote, and it makes no sense to ask someone to make those decisions, but not trust their ability to advocate for, and understand, what their gender is.

Loving and supporting the gender expansive teenager in your life can only help them know you’ll be on their team, no matter what their path in life looks like.

Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria

The World Professional Association for Transgender Health made a statement on this in 2018, “ WPATH also urges restraint from the use of any term—whether or not formally recognized as a medical entity—to instill fear about the possibility that an adolescent may or may not be transgender with the prior goal of limiting consideration of all appropriate treatment options in accordance with the aforementioned standards of care and clinical guidelines3.”

AusPATH, Australia’s peak body for professionals and community involved in the health, rights and well-being of trans and gender diverse people also released a statement in 2019 stating that the term “Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD)” ‘is not a diagnosis or health condition recognised by any major professional association,’ and is based on reporting that only surveyed parents of trans and gender diverse people, and not any young trans people themselves.

Affirmation and support is considered best practice3.

Research is clear that trans and gender diverse people overwhelmingly are the gender they say they are, and affirm themselves to be4,5,6,7.

If a trans person comes out seemingly out of nowhere, it says more about a trans person fearing a lack of support, or worse, and therefore hiding it, than suddenly becoming trans.

You can download our resource on talking about the trans people in your life, here.

When telling others about a family member’s gender, or the ways in which they’re changing, it’s important to take into account what they may or may not want others to know. This is not about keeping secrets from other people, or not being able to share your feelings and difficulties, but respecting the privacy of your teenager, your family, and what you are all going through.

For young people, it can be difficult for them to understand why you can’t keep something a secret, especially if they’re scared about other people’s reactions, or already have done a tough thing by telling you.

Honesty is key here - it’s okay to expect to have to talk to others, but letting the teenager in your life know that you’re going to do so can go a long way, eg. “Thank you for telling me, I might have to talk to your other parent / a friend / my therapist about this, but we won’t tell anyone else unless you’re okay with it.”

Especially when you meet other parents of trans people, it can be a really helpful and comforting thing to share that you also have kids who are going through a similar time, and share advice, experiences, and support. However, thinking about how much your teenager might want you to share can be helpful, eg. Sharing their actual gender but not their presumed gender, or framing your conversations from the perspective of your feelings and experiences rather than details of your teenager.

Checking in about what your trans teenager you know is comfortable with, and having a conversation about who and why you’d like to share information with can help them feel like they’re a bit more in control, or at least trust that you’ll let them know what you’re telling others.