Colleagues

TransHub has guides for how to best support a trans and gender diverse friend or employee, but what should you do if someone you don’t know so well comes out at work? Being someone’s colleague is a slightly different role than a friend, and is often less intimate or less knowledgeable about somebody else’s circumstance. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have an important role to play, however small, in supporting and affirming the trans people in your workplace and life.

What being an ally looks like is not able to be summed up with a list, but the below points are a great start.

Affirming someone with the information they’ve provided

When affirming someone’s gender, make sure to use only the information that’s been given to you, or that you have been asked by them to use. It’s important not to make assumptions about someone based on anything else, eg. Changing the pronouns you use for them because their appearance has changed.

If you’re ever unsure, find a good moment to gently ask, preferably out of earshot of other colleagues. Coming out in a work space can be a complex and difficult thing, and may not be ‘all at once’ - respect whatever process someone is undergoing, and listen to what they ask you to do for them.

It can be difficult to use the correct name and pronouns at first, and you will almost certainly slip up. It’s important when this happens to quickly and sincerely apologise, but then not dwell on the mistake you made, and instead pick up from where you left off with the correct language, and work to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

It can also sometimes be difficult to shift to using neutral pronouns like they/them for someone, even though we’ve been using them in the English language for centuries! You can read more about pronouns on our page here.

Taking your thoughts and feelings somewhere confidential

If you’re struggling with the change, or don’t understand what’s happening for your colleague and their gender affirmation, it’s important to take them somewhere that’s private. This may look like accessing your organisation’s Employee Assistance Program, a mental health support service, either in person through a psychologist or counselor, or via a phone counselling service. This may even just look like talking to a close friend or partner about it, but keeping in mind that it’s not something to gossip about.

It’s okay to take some time to process these feelings, but it’s important to not do it in front of your trans colleague.

Stepping in to stop harassment

If other people in the workplace are being discriminatory, sometimes it can be your voice that changes a colleague’s behaviour or helps them to understand why it’s not okay at work. No one should feel disrespected.

Being a support person for trans colleagues

Sometimes when a trans person comes out at work, HR may assemble a small group of key support people who can support and assist the trans staff member or colleague. This may include a manager or supervisor, HR staff, and colleagues that they trust.

Griffith University write that “your role is to support the staff member and their team/colleagues/students through the process and be a contact point for any concerns raised. This process could be (but not necessarily) overwhelming or daunting for the [trans] staff member, so empathy is essential.”

If you’re invited to be part of this process by a trans person it’s important to take the ideas on this page to heart, and think about how you can support your colleague not only at work and around them, but elsewhere in your life. It’s okay if you don’t have capacity and need to say no, just be honest about that with your colleague.

The Griffith Uni guidelines include a lot of great information for support teams, which you can read more about here.

There are many ways to be a great ally, and some things to try and avoid when affirming the trans people in your life.

Outing someone without their permission

As with many other things, consent is key. When telling others about your colleague’s gender, or the ways in which they’re affirming it, it’s important to take into account what your colleague may or may not want others to know. This is not about keeping secrets from other people, or not being able to share your feelings and difficulties, but respecting the privacy of your colleague, and what they’re going through.

Acting different around them to other colleagues

While any change a colleague undergoes might mean we act a bit different around them, be considerate and aware about what that change looks like. Be gentle with yourself, but remember that beehaving different around someone as a result of them coming out or affirming their gender might lead to them feeling less comfortable, or productive, at work.

This can be especially the case if they were someone you were closer to than other colleagues. If you need some support, please access your support options.

Asking invasive questions

It’s natural to be curious about people making changes in their lives, but instead of asking private questions about them, try to be the sort of person that someone would feel comfortable and safe sharing with.

Trans people often feel like we are the sole source of information for those around us, so finding out what you can, can be really helpful. TransHub is a great start, and there’s a whole lot of information you can read here to learn more about trans people.