Domestic violence

Domestic violence, or intimate partner violence, occurs in every community, and can happen in relationships regardless of gender.

Research indicates that trans and gender diverse people are more likely than cisgender heterosexual women to experience domestic violence1. This abuse can be largely invisible though, both in national discussion about domestic violence and within our own communities, but it’s important to know that it and and does happen in our relationships.

If you’re worried that you or someone you know may be experiencing domestic violence, help and support is available. This page of TransHub contains information about how to recognise violence, whether in your own relationships, or the relationships of friends and loved ones, what you can do about it, and how to support a friend or family member who is in a violent or potentially violent situation.

To develop this page, we worked with the ACON team responsible for Say it Out Loud and who lead ACON’s work addressing sexual, domestic and family violence in LGBTQ+ communities.

Violence can take many forms in a relationship - sexual, physical, emotional, psychological, financial, spiritual, verbal, online, and stalking or harassment.

The difference between an unhealthy relationship and an abusive or violent one is an imbalance of power. If one person holds, and uses, significant power over another person, it’s possibly intimate partner violence.

There are two main questions you can ask yourself:

• Are you ever afraid of your partner?

• Do you feel unable to leave the relationship even if you tried?

If your answer to either of these questions is yes, this could be a sign that you’re in a violent relationship, or a relationship that could potentially become violent. The following behaviours are also an indicator that an aspect of your relationship is violent:

• Using your gender against you

• Your partner says things to make you doubt your own memory or feelings (this is also called gaslighting)

• Isolating behaviour

• Money control

• Surveillance

• Physical contact or threats

• Holding on to or hiding medication (for gender affirmation, mental health, HIV treatment or prevention medications, etc )

• Using violence or threatening to use violence against a pet or support animal.

Often it can be difficult to recognise violence because we don’t want to believe it’s occurring, especially not in our own communities. It’s important to be able to recognise violence when it does happen, no matter who it’s happening to.

If you’re concerned that you’re experiencing a form of violence or abuse, talk to a trusted friend or health professional about the situation. Counsellors at ACON are also available if you are in this situation.

The best thing to do is to connect with a support service, and talk to the trusted people in your life.

This may be a domestic violence service or phone line, or a health professional that you trust.

Even though telephone lines can seem intimidating, some of the best specialist workers work on domestic violence phone lines like Rape and Domestic Violence Services Australia (RDVSA) or 1800RESPECT. They can help you understand what your options are.

They won’t call police and they won’t make you leave the relationship – they will help you leave the violence on your terms.

You can also talk to people in your life that you trust, like a friend or family member, or to a professional like a doctor, therapist, or counsellor. Having someone you can take concerns to and check in with, without it getting back to the violent person in your life can be really valuable.

For more information about finding professionals who’ll work with and support you, head to our pages about Finding A Doctor and Mental Health support.

Before taking any actions, it’s a good idea to start thinking about how to plan for the safety of you, the people and pets around you, and how to leave in the safest way possible. Even if you don’t want to leave the relationship, safety planning can help you think about ways to make yourself a little safer in the relationship. Domestic violence services and phone lines can help you safety plan.

Who do you trust: Consider who you can trust to support you throughout the process, they might be friends or family members, medical professionals, or a therapist or counsellor. These people can also help you plan, find services and support, places to stay and resources to help you keep away from the violent person in your life.

Plan a potential place to stay: Knowing that you’ll have a place to stay can help make that first step of leaving a lot easier. When asking someone, it’s okay to use a different reason when you first make a plan to stay with them, e.g. that you’ve had some allergies flare up at home, or that you and your partner need a bit of space. Domestic violence services can also help you find a place to stay temporarily, like a refuge or a hotel room.

Have a few important possessions packed and hidden: Knowing that you’ve got a bag ready to go with your essentials can make finding the right moment to leave easier and less scary. This could include medications (including hormones),prescriptions, a spare binder or gaff, cash, ID, clothes, or more.

Have an exit route: This might be a literal route, as in how you’re going to get out and leave, or a plan for when you’re  ready to make that decision.

Know when to do it: This might be a time, or a window that you’re keeping an eye out for eg. When the violent person in your life isn’t at home, or when a friend is available to pick you up.

Planning for children: Talk to your children about your safety plan so they know what to do if something happens.

Planning for pets: Having a safe place for your pets to go like a friend’s house or RSPCA’s Community Domestic Violence program.

It can take years to recover from domestic violence, even if the abusive relationship happened years ago, you can still seek support to heal and move on. Check out our Mental Health page for links to support services.

Legal options

You are able to apply for an ADVO (Apprehended Domestic Violence Order) at any point if you have been subjected to physical assault, threats of physical harm, stalking, intimidation or harassment and have “a reasonable fear that this behaviour will continue”1.

This applies no matter the gender experience or identity of the people in the relationship - ADVOs are the same for trans people as they are for cis people.

Help is also available through the Inner City Legal Centre’s Safe Relationships Project. They also offer a state-wide free legal service for trans and gender diverse people. ICLC can assist you to apply for an ADVO and to know about your legal options.

If you are considering applying for an ADVO, it can be important to collect and keep evidence of the behaviour in question. This may be text messages and emails to, or from, your partner, text messages and emails to others about the situation, audio recordings of fights or conversations, photos of any injuries or property damage, and more.

If an ADVO is in place and it is breached, you can report that breach to your local police for investigation and possible charges.

Reporting to the police

For some people, reporting violent behaviour to the police is important.

Police can help you apply for an ADVO. While police are there to support you, it’s okay to have a complex relationship with the police, including being unsure whether or not you want to report violence to them, especially if your partner is also an trans person, or a member of the LGBTQ+ community.

If you are interested in reporting domestic violence to the police, there are several types of specialist officers who can support you to do so. You can also take a support person with you such as a friend, social worker, or advocate.

GLLOs (LGBTIQ+ Liaison Officers) are specialist officers that work with the broader LGBTQ+ community, who are trained in the history between LGBTQ+ people and police, and the challenges between those groups.

To contact a GLLO, call your local police and ask to speak with a GLLO – LGBTIQ Liaison Officer.

DVLOs (Domestic Violence Liaison Officers) are specialist officers trained to support the victims of domestic and family violence (including intimate partner violence) through the process of reporting, referrals to services, and acquiring an ADVO.

To contact a DVLO, call your local police and ask to speak with a DVLOs – Domestic Violence Liaison Officers.

Domestic violence happens in our community, this means we might know that someone in our life is experiencing domestic violence. While you are not able to make decisions for that person (and shouldn’t), there are ways to offer support.

ACON’s Say It Out Loud includes a Bystander Toolkit, a downloadable resource for someone who observes violence or abuse occurring but is not the victim or the perpetrator.

The toolkit is split into three sections:

Recognise: Is designed to help you recognise signs of abuse and overcome hesitations that you may have to intervene.

Respond: Has some information about what you can do to appropriately and safely intervene.

Recover: Is to help you take care of and support yourself after you have intervened.

The most important thing is to respect the victim’s decision, and that you don’t make decisions for them, or without their knowledge or consent. Supporting someone who is experiencing domestic and family violence means letting them make choices on their terms, even if that can be frustrating or uncomfortable for you, or if they act in ways that you don’t understand.

For more information go to Say It Out Loud.